I have been asked by many people how the show went last Saturday. I don’t know.
On October the 3rd I lay in the bed at the hotel and I closed my eyes. In my mind’s eye, I saw the crowd standing. My inner voice started narrating my past to the image of the standing crowd. “They are standing because you finally achieved what your ex-wife demanded of you. Be a man. They are applauding because you didn’t need to be on Letterman to do something special on TV. They are cheering because you aren’t as famous as Charlie Murphy, Tom Green or Gerry Dee. You are you, and they are standing and cheering because you are you.”
I snapped and began to cry hard- Good Will Hunting “It’s not your fault” crying. When the tears stopped my life had changed. I felt it. Trust me I know that feeling of “My life will never be the same.” I felt it when I got kicked out of Canada in ‘05. I knew it when I finished that second surgery last August. I don’t really know how it has changed but I know it has.
I don’t remember much of anything from the set except the picture of people standing up at the end. I was told the set was 90 minutes and that the ovation was close to 5 minutes. Maybe when I see the tape I will have more thoughts about it, but right now the only feeling and memory I have is that standing crowd.
In love, I have always quested for the chance to love as hard as I can. To be all the way “me.” Weird, irreverent, too intense, a megalomaniac, and an introspective crybaby.
That crowd Saturday night let me love that hard. It’s a rare thing, as anyone who has ever been in love or had their heart broken can attest to. Those standing forgiving, empowering, understanding and affirming hand claps let me love as hard as I could.
Maybe that’s why they stood up, maybe that’s why I cried.
Anyway, that’s how the show went.
